Thoughts I'd been stewing on...

So I am officially having some "me" time. I tried to put this as my status on facebook, but it came up as "her" time which I felt was a bit awkward but whatever.  I love "me" time.  There is nothing like being alone with some scrumptous candles burning, PJ's, music, and some Jesus.  I decided to devote some of my much needed "me" time to writing down some thoughts I'd had recently.  Now, if you know me, I have a million thoughts and a large majority come out of my mouth, but I'm talking about thoughts of a bit greater significance than my normal ramblings.  I really do think a lot; you just have to wade through the discussion of hair straighteners to get there ;)Seriously though, the Lord has been doing some really neat stuff in my life over the past month or so and I am so thankful for who He is and how He has revealed himself to me. 

Ever since Brooke died I've been thinking a lot about God's goodness and faithfulness.  I look at people in my life, like Donna, and see their trust and faith in God and I wonder if in the same circumstances I would be found faithful.  This has caused me to examine my heart and ask the Lord to show me where I have cracks in my foundation of faith and where there is unbelief in my heart.  It's easy to say on a superficial level that I trust God and his ways when life is good, when things go the way I think they should even to some extent.  But what about when just the opposit is the case?  Yesterday I came across this verse in Job that I had never noticed before.  Listen to what Job says, "What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come to be." (3:25 NLT).    I think most people know almost immediately what they fear most; its that thing that if it happened to you you are not sure you could stand. This raises the question in my heart, "Who am I when what I fear greatly happens to me?"  Some of will have what we fear most come to pass in our life just as Job did; others will only taste of that kind of suffering. 

Most of us have, however, ended up in unexpected places.  We have found ourselves in a circumstance that we would have never chosen and one that perhaps we even looked upon previously from a distance and secretly prayed that it would be never be us.  For instance, if you had told me when I was 18 that I would be going on 24 and still single I would have jabbed my eyeballs out.  (Now this would not have helped my case when looking for a mate.  Men, even godly men, generally like girls with eyeballs).  I remember going to a wedding of a girl that was 24 and thinking, "Thank God that won't be me..." Funny how life goes, ehh.  I never wanted to be three years out of college and still single; all I've really ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother.(Sidenote: this is a dangerous statement to be made when seminary folk might be reading.  Please if you are a creepy guy looking for a wife hear this: I am NOT the one.  Rest assured God has not told me that you are the one either.  Don't call me; I'll call you.  Thanks)  However, this is what God has chosen for me at least up until today in his sovereignty and goodness and I must submit my life and will to His will and plan. But I must ask myself, "Do I really believe that God is GOOD in this?"  If your really honest with yourself, do you really believe God is good in the things He has allowed in your life that perhaps you didn't want or don't understand? 

When we find ourselves in unexpected places it is not only a challenge, but also an opportunity. It is an opportunity for our Christ-like charcter to shine through and for God to be glorified.  It is certain that we will find ourselves in unexpected places at one point or another.  It is likely that we many of us will have something that we fear greatly come to pass in our life. This is all part of suffering, which for the believer, is not a matter of "if" but "when."  Several years ago I had something come to pass in my life that was one of the things I feared most in life.  Through it I found that God was more faithful than I ever could have imagined.  I came through the trial knowing Christ more which is a fruit of suffering according to Scripture.  And so I've wondered about the next time...  What if the thing I really fear the most happens?  Will I be found faithful?  Will I trust my Lord?  Will I trust his heart?  Will I believe His Word?  Or will I cry out against my God in distrust and unbelief? Will I be able to praise him in the very depths of my heartache?  Will I see God for who He is or will my entire view of Him be changed by my circumstance?  I wonder if I would be able to do what Donna did after Brooke's death and praise His name continually.  Would I be found faithful?  I so much want to be. I want to be faithful to my Father more than words can describe. I know my heart though - its deceitfulness and capacity for sin.  I know my heart really is prone to wander and to leave the God I love.  As I think and pray on these things, God is doing a work in my heart and I am beginning to fear forsaking my God more than I fear the thing I dread most. I pray that God would do such a work in my heart and life that when trials, storms, unexpected places, or monumental catastrophes come my way I would be found faithful.  What would be worse than having what is most dreaded come to pass in your life would be to deny Christ and forsake the only name under heaven by which men must be saved.   

Blown away...

Currently Reading Lies Women Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free By Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Elisabeth Elliot see related

So a few funny things from today...

First, I relized that I took 4X the recommended amount of alieve the other week.  John David and I were hanging out and he asked if I had any alieve.  When I gave him two pills he said, "Oh going with prescription strength!"  I said, "No, two is normal right?"  I mean you are supposed to take two Tylenol so why not two alieve?  Sure enough you are supposed to take one every eight to twelve hours.  This explains why I felt very high the week before fall break when I took FOUR!  The funny thing is that I had no idea! Bless my heart.

Second, my roommate knocked on my door this morning to ask if it was this Friday that everyone at the Preview Conference was coming to look at our apartment.  We both had completely forgotten.  THis would have been extremely problematic for the housing people and the who knows how many prospective students when they walked in to unmentionables laying around.... a definite seminary faux-pas. 

Third, I dared to go back to the Rec Center locker rooms today.  I have not attempted to go near them after last year's debunkle when I accidentally went into the men's locker room.  Yes, that's right, I went into the men's locker room at seminary and actually changed my clothes.  I didn't even know my mistake until I heard a man's whistle coming from the shower area.  In a panic I ran out leaving all my belongings in a locker.   Thanks to Jed my belonging were rescued and a good laugh was had by all....  Don't think though I didn't triple check the signs on the door today. 

Fourth, I wore my hair curly today due to me running late from the housing tour near-disaster... we had to clean of course.  Any good southern woman doesn't let visitors come trapsing into a dirty home.  Anyway, when I picked the girls up I babysit the youngest one screamed as soon as she opened the door and saw me.  This was not a good sign- a troubling response to say the least.  Young children screaming in terror/surprise when they see you is not what most women are hoping for...

Its the small things in life that make me giggle.  Laughter is good for the heart...

Currently Listening Wherever You Are By Third Day see related

Unexpected Places...

The last six days have been a blur.... Brooke's funeral was Tuesday and the grave side service was Wednesday.  I've been at the Culbreth's day and night  it feels like and when I've not been there I've been trying to process what's going on for the most part.  Tuesday afternoon I stood in Donna's closet with her for at least an hour as she tried to decide what to wear.  What does one wear to their own daughter's funeral?  As we walked out Donna stopped, looked at me and said, "We never thought we'd be doing this did we?"  No, we didn't.  I never thought at 23 years old I would be standing with a woman who has been like a mom to me and help her pick out clothes for her daughter's funeral. 

There are times in life when you find yourself in situations you never thought you'd be and you don't know exactly what to do.  As I am sitting here typing this reminded me of a sermon from a couple weeks ago in chapel about exactly that- what to do when we are places we never expected we'd be and would not have chosen ourselves.  Isn't that the story we've heard time and time again in testimonies about how God has worked in someone's life through situations they would have never have asked for themselves?  It seems to me that some people seem to live life relatively unscathed by heartache, pain or disappointment and they thank God that He has spared them from such trials.  What they do not realize is that it is through such testing that God makes a man and reveals more of himself to them.  I am becoming more and more convinced that men and women of God are made in the storms and valleys and life.  Read Spurgeon, Martin Lloyd-Jones, C.S. Lewis, or the Apostle Paul and you will find that they all deep trials and times of suffering.  One of my new favorite songs is "Mountain of God" by Third Day and it alludes to this idea of sanctification through suffering in the chorus:

Even though the journey’s long

And I know the road is hard

Well, the One who’s gone before me

He will help me carry on

After all that I’ve been through

Now I realize the truth

That I must go through the valley

To stand upon the mountain of God

 I do not wish to be tried or tested and have avoided it as much as anyone, but I am learning to appreciate the chastening work of God in my life.  R.T. Kendall said in his book on Joseph, "When God puts us through an extraordinary trial, nothing should be more encouraging, for God does not mock us.  He treats us with dignity and prepares us according to the task ahead."  I am learning to see the purpose and mercy in suffering/discipline/trials ... it refines me, prepares me, and makes me more like my sweet Jesus (Isn't it just like the Lord that my Bible reading plan was in Hebrews 12 today). 

No, I don't long to suffer, but I do want to experience God the way the Culbreth's have this week.  Through the tears and heartache I heard and saw the hand of God move in amazing ways.  This week has not been easy and has exhausting in many ways, but it was an absolute blessing to get to see God's faithfulness displayed time and time again.  I heard about people accepting Christ because of the hope the Culbreth's had even in Brooke's death.  I watched family members experience the love of Christ the the church body and be open to the Gospel for the first time in their lives.  I listened to Brooke's big brother tell me how his life is more full of joy and peace than it ever would have been if Brooke had not died because of how God had worked in his life through this.  I watched Donna trust God as I could only hope to in the midst of her brokenness.  And now I understand the words of Job a bit more when he said after all that he had gone through, "I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you." 

So pray for Donna, Wallie, Walter, Ashley, and Bradley.  Pray for their extended families.  Pray for their family members and those at the funeral who need to know Jesus Christ.  Pray that God would continue to be glorified in the midst of tragedy. 

"We do not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep." (1 Thess. 4:13-14).

Praising Him in the Storm

Sweet Donna.  This morning after church I walked in to the Culbreth's house to praise music filling the house.  Donna was sitting in a chair and singing and praising the Lord.  When I walked over to her she hugged me, smiled and said, "I am so glad your here.  Worship with me."  And so we did.  We sat there for probably an hour and worshiped the Lord.  I cannot begin to describe what it was like to watch Donna praise God with lifted hands as tears streamed down her face.  She mourned, but she worshipped.  I am crying just thinking about it.  God is being glorified in the midst of a hearbreaking situation. He truly is God and His grace truly is sufficient.  When we are weak, He is strong.  I feel like each day I am there God is saying to me, "Watch and learn." 

If Donna has taught me anything over the years, it is to press into the heart of God.  People, I believe, are prone to shrink back from God in times of trial and pain.  In their woundedness they shut down their hearts; they seek to shut the door on the pain hoping that it will go away.  We pretend hurts did not happen and do everything we can to forget our wounds. We attempt to keep everyone, including our Father, at arms length.  We avoid bringing our broken heart to the One who promised to bind up their brokenness and to give beauty for ashes.  Isn't that what we all want? That's what I want, no long for ... beauty for ashes.  Where there is devistation in our lives may God restore us, bind up our brokenness, and give us beauty of Christ redeeming work in our lives.  Donna is showing me minute by minute what it means trust God in every circumstance; only someone who truly trusts the heart of God can praise him even when He has taken something away something so precious as a daughter. 

These have been two of the most humbling days of my life.  Literally life-changing.  May God teach me to trust His heart more....